s girls lakeside retreat, 6.28.08

was debating off and on for the week before if i should go or not. part of me knew i would have a great time. part of me was just honestly feeling lazy. lazy to drive up, lazy to spend the day with people i didnt know, lazy to put in the effort.

woke up on saturday and picked up stef from brooklyn. we drove for two hours, with good conversation for the most part (you can only talk for so long with someone you dont know at all before the talk dwindles at some point or another). ended up pulling up to JJ’s around 11:30am. started with wine and pina coladas immediately.

what a great, great group of girls. had a Q&A session to break the ice, with everyone putting questions into a hat that started the ball rolling. spent 2 hours or so in a porch swing with KJ talking about love and relationships. i walked away from that conversation feeling so, so lucky for having nick. over and over we talked about how much work relationships take, and how little of it is luck, and how little of it, in the end, is about how much you love one another. i ended up, driving home, thinking about how i WANT to dance for him. it’s not about keeping this personal part of me for myself… it’s about sharing something with him that means an incredible amount to me, and wanting him to understand it and appreciate it and all the good that it is in my life.

talked to yesim about TT. and found, along with JJ, that for the first time in our confident, take-no-prisoners lives, that we all we nervous, rackingly so, about this TT assessment coming up. so glad to know that i’m not the only one. so, so glad. and i found, when talking about our ECs, that it was good to know that other people feel the same way i did, that to them, this S is a release, a way to let go of all the repression and guilt and everything that we have ever had about who we are.

what a great, great weekend. such openminded women, so empty of judgement and only acceptance and support all around. i am a little apprehensive because when i sat for dinner with some of the girls in ro’s class, i didn’t feel that instant comfort. i felt a little worried that they judged my life. i know that the girls in alex’s class wouldn’t do that. but, i will try it and see how it goes.

less than two weeks until assessment. less than two weeks until my first class in sultry! i cannot wait.

TT nightmare, part I

i guess it was inevitable.

part of it entailed having to walk on a fabric ramp that had been strung between the floor and a platform. but when you tried to get anywhere, get closer to the platform end, the fabric stretched and it was so silky that it was like being on a treadmill.

in another segment, we had to do tricks on the pole. but i was so sweaty that my hands were just sliding off the pole. for some reason i forgot my sticky eco ball, and i decided to try dry hands. the lotion never dried and it was worse than before. i couldn’t do even the simplest trick.

i dont remember much else. it’s been too many hours and the memories have dissipated.

on thursday i am planning to S at home.

i am afraid to add a category to file this under: “TT”. so, uncategorized this shall remain!

soulstice graduation party

amanda and i had dinner before: one bottle of nebbiolo, fantastic lobster ravioli, and then a bailey’s chocolate fondue and a bottle of beaujolais and the addition of jj– and we were off, headed to the party early to play on the pole before everyone else got there and it got all crowded.

there was something great about being with everyone and just being rowdy and obnoxious. but it also reminded me of how personal my dance has become and how little i am inclined to let a stranger see it!

what a great night. i wonder at how quickly you can build a friendship with the right people. i will miss her so much.

after class 6/17/08

so this is it. no more “real” class until july 11 for me, since july 4, our first day of class, is a holiday and the studio is closed. maybe i’ll see if i can switch into an earlier class for a makeup. i believe that the newfound freedom and release i’ve been experiencing during dance is a change, a breakthrough. i would hate to be proven wrong.

three weeks and three days till class, then. and three weeks and four days till assessment.

i have to be very good about S at home. i don’t want to be weak. i want to be strong and confident.

so tonight i did a makeup with lucy. i haven’t taken class with her for seven months. since L4, when i did a makeup with her. i had to revisit “dancing” by elisa again. that song is just so haunting. there’s angst, fire,  pain, hope, angst, everything in that one song and it’s amazing to just ride the emotion and the lilting vocals. just so….cathartic. again… i just… let…. go.

it was funny that she knew where i had come from and saw where i was now. it was nice to be reminded of the growth…. like when you run into someone from way back and they say, “wow you look great!” or “wow your hair got so long” and all this incremental change that has occurred over months, is all of a sudden made apparent. you feel proud of yourself. it is a great compliment. she said my EC has grown. that made me so immensely happy.

when i sat down, another girl in the class leaned over and tapped my leg. she wanted to tell me that she thought my dance was beautiful. she said that she could not stop watching me. i almost cried but all i could say was “thank you.” she said it twice and all i could say was “thank you.” what expression of gratitude is enough?

tonight i tried the body spiral/helicopter combo with lucy. i thought that maybe she could shed new light on it. this nemesis trick of mine. i hadn’t visited it since L6.1, maybe even 5? when i got so frustrated. and i realized tonight, after getting it, finally: i just wasn’t leaning back. i was so focused on looking, on being able to SEE what was going on, that i didn’t realize that by keeping my head up, i wasn’t letting my pelvis come up. how metaphorical is that?

it wasn’t pretty. but it felt amazing. it’s been a long time since a trick has eluded me for so long. i think that maybe this is the only trick i ahven’t been able to get with minimal effort. and it was all in my head, all this time. i was my biggest obstacle from success.

one of the girls that i used to take class with, in jill’s 6.1, was in the makeup as well. she mentioned to another girl today that she is applying for TT. i overheard her and wished i hadn’t. the rest of the class, when i had finished dancing and she was rotating through, i watched her and wondered: is she better? stronger? is her dance better? but i have no idea. i haven’t seen my dance, truly, for months. i just know how it FEELS.

i want for this all to just HAPPEN already. i hope that afterwards i can deal with the rejection. i think i have done a good job of trying to prepare myself. am i obsessing? of course i am. this is a big deal. to me.

the pants make such a difference. i’m still trying to understand why. all this positivity– i’m still trying to udnerstand. my fear is that it will go away. how do i S at home and keep that magic? is that why i don’t? because i’m scared of losing it?

i’m so glad i boycotted the mermaid for this makeup.

biting the hand that feeds me

so thinking again about teachers, am i just too critical?

i mean, count up how many different teachers i’ve taken class with at one point or another. maggie, ellen, jill, lucy, tina, ro, sam, marissa, mai, alex, christina.

even the teachers that i love, i find issue with. maybe in addition to being more accepting of other women in general, i need to extend that same grace to the teachers. they are only human themselves– just because they are teachers does not mean that they aren’t allowed to have flaws. and who am i to judge when i don’t have any idea how difficult it would be to go through TT and to teach?

three weeks until assessment. i am so nervous and so hopeful. i believe that things will work out for the best, in the end, but that doesn’t mean that i won’t be disappointed if i don’t make it.

more on the mermaid assignment…

i think i have gotten more clarity on what my real complaint is here…

i think some assignments are good for some people and not for others. our journeys are all so personal to us, and our growth is so individual, that for everyone to get the same assignment at the same time– well, clearly that is not effective for everyone across the board.

i think part of my frustration is that this journey, ultimately, is MINE. i know that teachers just want what is best for us. but sometimes you have to be able to do what you feel you need to, and a teacher should support you in that decision.

i am paying $30 an hour to have someone else tell me i have to tie my legs together? i know i am supposed to trust my teacher. but if i’m doing a makeup and the teacher has never met me before? never seen me dance?

i know that when i make up with lucy next week she will understand that i do not want to repeat it.

after class 6/12/08

week 8:

did a makeup in class with yet another forum girl who i’ve been emailing for a couple weeks now. had never taken class with the teacher before (sam) but had heard a lot of good things about her. she had a much more casual feel about her– i got the impression that she was friends with many of the girls outside of class. there was an equality between the teacher and students that i haven’t seen before. it was a very different vibe than ro’s class or alex’s class for example– where the teacher is just revered.

she is very protective of her students. this week was jack knife– and she didn’t even want anyone to try it. during pole time, she asked me to do descending angel. i did a heli/descending combo. most of the other girls were struggling with heli- jumping into it or not being able to straighten their legs. the next time i saw her at the pole, she had me do a climb and flip into polecat. i dont think anyone else in her class was at that point in their pole work. it was strange and i didn’t feel challenged or inspired by any of the pole work i saw around me.

i am going to try to go more outside of S in practicing inversions. i think i need more of a challenge in that department. for spinny tricks i need to work more on opposite side so that left is just as fluid and emotive as right-handed tricks.

this week the assignment was mermaid. the teacher tied up our legs at our knees and ankles with a stretchy chiffon. i had picked a song that was round, circular, organic, sultry, and i couldn’t move to it at all in the way that i wanted to. i wasn’t in my head, but i was very conscious of feeling frustrated, wanting to get up, wanting to stand and do huge hip circles and feel the wall.

the saving grace of class for me tonight was being able to dance, unfettered, to other people’s music. one girl brought in a song that i’ve always thought about dancing to- elisa (dancing) and just never brought in myself. and something happened during that song. it felt expansive. there was an emotion there that i connected to and rode all the way through but i can’t even explain what it was or what i felt. i know that i started crying but didn’t know why– it may have been joy in the expression itself. there was one point where i did a spinning snake, and then as i came down i had one leg on the pole and spun myself on the floor into something else, a fluid transition that i had never done or tried and it just flowed.

that was me, arriving.

i want to try the song again, during MY dance, but i’m afraid of cheapening it by doing it twice. something changes in the honesty of the reaction. or maybe that’s just something that i’ve put into my own head. because some of my best dances (at the time) were to songs that i just connected with and loved. lovesong. perfect lie. maybe i will try it next week during lucy’s class when i do a makeup. that song encourages what… a naivety? a lack of agenda?

i expressed my frustration to becky, the forum girl, and she said something interesting in an email: “its tough, but theres a reason for the assignments, and i just trust the teachers and the movement and remember that its all a journey.” have i been that closed off? closed minded? i had been seeing mermaid as a stumbling block, frustration, annoyance. i knew that it was useful in encouraging new movement, a new way of relating to music– giving yourself permission to JUST LIE THERE… but i was upset that i couldn’t do what my body wanted to do. but does this go somewhere? does it lead to some kind of growth somehow, beyond what i’m seeing? maybe.

during the other dances tonight i wore a pair of long sleeved terry sweats that slid all over the floor and hid my feet when i stood up. it made me feel encased and protected. the flow of the fabric gave me a feeling of lightness.

something inside me has definitely given way. a brick, a wall, somewhere, is gone, and something new is coming out. i am finding a joy in this movement that i didn’t think possible. i am not looking forward to the dip that will follow this peak, but at the same time, look how much i have already grown. i hope that i am ready for it.

week 8

Level 5/6: Remember the movie Splash with Darryl Hannah as the luminescent mermaid looking for love? This week your assignment is, “Mermaid”! Soooo, your Instructors will actually wrap something around your legs to mimic a tail! Myths and tales (get it? tales? wink, wink) of Mermaids, Sirens, Water Fairies and Nymphs have been around since ancient times. Their renowned beauty and power over seafaring men is legendary. Their enchanting songs sent ships crashing into rocks and lured men overboard to their briny demise. Oh my tease! On the pole, you may work on one of these fabulous tricks: “Layout”, “No-Handed Descending Angel” or the “Jack-Knife”. Coolio.

sigh. mermaid tail? i will be unravelling that i think. or maybe exploring hip swivels. we will see. time to come up with some songs…

after class 6/9/08

i did a makeup in alex’s monday class (although she was out re-couping from an operation) with a couple of the forum girls. we went out to dinner before and i had a lovely shower right before class (it was 98 degrees outside)- something i will be doing again for sure! having super clean skin added a layer of sensuality to the warmup experience. i didn’t once run my hand across any part of my body and think: “yuck. sticky/oily/greasy/bleck.” unfortunately that usually happens since i am running to class after a day at work.

this was their week 6 (because of the funky way that weeks start on a wednesday) and fortunately NOT pole week!

i picked etta james– “i’d rather go blind” for my song. it was fantastic. her voice is so earthy, throaty. i find myself returning to the feminine in my music and my movement. standing hip circles against the wall, slow slow cat pounces. i don’t remember most of my dance now that i try but i know it felt like deep red velvet in a smoky room. it was one of my best dances in a long time.

i was wearing my new red lacy boyshorts, which are so light and silky on my skin that i feel nothing at all. black front-tie negligee that flies open when i roll from back to belly, that falls open to let me feel the pole against my stomach, that i can reach down and play with. and heels! for the first time in a long time. and it changed my movement. made me more… what? womanly? more conscious of the way that my hips are thrown out when i shift my weight? yes.

my EC lives in my ass. yes, that is her home, her temple, her weapon.

i felt totally uninhibited in that class. again– having supportive, awesome, enthusiastic women in the audience makes such a huge difference.

i am doing a makeup with another forum girl tomorrow. i hope it is as much fun as monday was!

inspiration and it’s opposite

why do i let people bother me so much?

i need to get better at letting negative energy roll off my back. i need to not be resentful. just because i think someone is a bad person does not mean that other people should not see the good in them. everyone has a place in this world, a group of people who will appreciate them for who they are. i should all be grateful for that and not think of others as undeserving of basic necessities in life like love.

it isn’t fair for me to want people i dont like to be unhappy. or shunned. i mean, who am i?

* * *

so you think you can dance is, for all the fluff and nonsense and drama that they infuse the show with, an amazing show. the level of talent, to my untrained eye, is absolutely amazing. especially the modern dancers. it’s so strange but having done S for the past year, i can much more appreciate the technique and difficulty of their movement. their floor work is beautiful. their leaps, their spins– all of it i can understand better now. what core strength it takes!

i wish i could take clips from the show and put them somewhere to watch over and over for inspiration. their musicality, their interpretation– so beautiful.