you know, i’m so okay with it that i’m kind of surprised and i feel like i should be more upset! haha. i told nick that they didn’t call me back and he went “what the hell they’re so stupid blah blah” and i was like nick, honey, i’m not mad so i don’t need you to be. hahaha.
i have no idea why i wasn’t picked. i asked ali to let me know what things i need to work on to be considered as a possible TT candidate in the future… because i want to know if where i am going, with my EC, coincides or will coincide with what they want fro ma teacher. it’s not that i want to tailor my experience to what they want… it’s that i have realized that the qualities they are looking for in a teacher are veeery specific, and i don’t want to waste my time or theirs if i don’t have them or don’t care to have them.
there was a lot about TT and the assessment that i didn’t understand until all was said and done. 30 women tried out and only 10 or less will be chosen. but ali said outright: if you can commit to teaching full time, you will be given preference over everyone else. i know that i had already told her that the schedule would be very difficult for me and i was going to try out even though i wasn’t sure i could make it work, which in hindsight, may have been shooting myself in the foot a bit.
it was so strange, so many of the wome nthere had NO IDEA what the time committment was for TT, they were going into it blind and they were still so willing to rearrange their lives for it. and i realized that i love S, and want it to be a part of my life, but not my whole life. i couldn’t teach full time, i need more then that to be balanced and happy. i need a job like mine on the side at least, where i can be assertive, and aggressive, and yell at stupid people and not just be supportive all the time LOL.
i am in a great, great place at work. i worked so hard to be trusted with the clients i have, and if i left i would have to pass off my clients to someone else and then wtf, where would i be two months from then when TT is over? i wouldn’t be valuable to my company anymore because someone else is already doing my job. it’s different if it’s TT part time and i can keep my job and still be there for my clients. but full time? sigh. i was so crushed when i heard that. if i chose TT over my work, right now, then that would be making a huge decision about my future and limiting possibilities for me in a way that i am not comfortable with.
i also know that just because they don’t pick you, doesn’t mean that your dance isn’t honest and expressive and beautiful. being appropriate for being a teacher isn’t necessarily any kind of commentary about you as a student. i know now (beth, the other TT mentor, said this to me) that if you move too far into your EC, they do not consider you appropriate as a teacher anymore because they want clean and defined movements. i’m not saying that i am there, but they are looking for a very specific type of movement in a teacher and it doesn’t bother me one bit that i don’t fit that mold. i may, at some point down the line, and if that happens then it is splendid! but teaching S is much less about understanding hte movement and the philosophy than i had thought it would be. i mean, they cut you based on the physical movement before they interview you… so. this has been a great experience and if anything it has forced me to REALLY think about my priorities, how much i love my job, where i am in terms of my EC, all of that. i think i had TT as this whole huge thing in my mind, because teaching is so noble to me… but even just this little taste of corporate S and all of that has made me a touch less idealistic about it. =(
